Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.9.19

During a business roundtable, Trump said that people are flushing the toilet 10 or 15 times, because of low water pressure. Trump is like, “It’s crazy, I take off the lid, sit on the tank, do my business, flush 10 times, and nothing happens!”

People in the room were like, “Maybe you’re not jiggling the handle properly?” He’s like, “Read the transcript! It was a perfect jiggle!”

Let’s just assume people ARE flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times. Does that mean people are telling the president of the United States about their flushing habits, or Trump is asking about them? “Forget about North Korea...how many times does it take you to flush?”

Trump thinks lightbulbs make him look orange. Which means there’s a decent chance Trump might not know the difference between a light bulb and a mirror.

The House Judiciary Committee held another impeachment hearing. Democrat Jerry Nadler said that a jury would convict President Trump in quote, “three minutes flat.” Or in other words, the same amount of time Trump spends flushing a toilet.

Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee have been exchanging GIFs in a group text to lighten the mood of impeachment. It might explain why the chairman opened today's hearing by saying, "In Ermahgerd We Trust."

A lot of the candidates are selling holiday merchandise. It’s very nice—for 50 bucks, you can get a Joe Biden holiday sweater. And for 100 bucks, Pete Buttigieg will come over and be your own little Elf on the Shelf.

Democratic candidate Marianne Williamson fell for a hoax and tweeted that Trump had pardoned Charles Manson. Trump heard and was like, “That’s crazy!” And then he slowly erased the idea from his white board.

Russia was banned from next year’s Olympics because of doping violations. Meanwhile, when Trump heard, “Russia,” “dope” and “violations” he said, “Oh no, what did Rudy Giuliani do this time?”

The wife of Papa John’s founder John Schnatter, has filed for divorce. It looks like they may already have a settlement and Papa John is being very, very generous: he's giving her half his money plus cheesesticks and a 2-liter of Coke.

Ryan Reynolds got the actress from the Peloton ad to star in a commercial for his brand of gin where she sips on gin after a tough day. Though it's a little awkward at the end when her husband from the Peloton ad shows up and tells her to stop having so many carbs.

I read about a woman aboard a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Atlanta who was bit several times by a scorpion. Even crazier—it was her “Emotional Support Scorpion.”

The tube in London will now have first class cars, where the rich can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres. While on the New York City subway, you can still play that fun game: “Is That Man Passed Out…Or Dead?”

In New York City, police were called after a firefighter got into a fight with a sanitation worker over a parking spot. Then a biker and a sailor walked by and they all burst into YMCA.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.10.19

Earlier today, House Democrats unveiled the official articles of impeachment against President Trump, which the media called “giant,” “historic,” and “a very big deal.” That’s right, the impeachment has now reached “Baby Yoda” status.

At the press conference, Adam Schiff said for Congress, the impeachment “is not a matter of facts...it is rather a question of duty.” Trump heard and was like, “Hey speaking of ‘question of duty,’—how many times do you flush?”

Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler said Trump, "consistently puts himself above the country." And in response, Trump accused Nadler of consistently putting his pants above his nipples.

The CEO of Away luggage is stepping down, and she’s being replaced with an executive from Lululemon. The guy from Lululemon isn’t sure if it’s a great fit, but he’s gonna squeeze himself in there anyway.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.11.19

Trump and Melania hosted two Hanukkah parties at the White House. Yeah, the parties were actually a little awkward—especially when Trump walked by a menorah, blew out the candles and made a wish.

Trump was planning on tweeting about the party, but after the 50th attempt at spelling “Hanukkah,” his iPhone threw itself into a punch bowl.

Joe Biden has privately told staffers if elected president, he would only serve one term, since he’d be 82 years-old. He said, “At that point, I’ll hand things over to my young Vice President, Bernie Sanders.

Time Magazine just announced their 2019 Person of the Year and they chose 16 year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg. Greta famously sailed across the Atlantic Ocean on a boat with no kitchen, no showers, and no toilets. Then anyone who’s ever been on a Carnival Cruise was like, “Hey, I did that, where’s my award?”

The New York Yankees just signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a record-breaking, nine-year, 324-million dollar contract. He’s so rich, now he can pay a butler to come out to the mound and adjust his crotch for him.

Apple has a new Mac Pro computer, and I heard that if you order it with every available feature, it costs 52 thousand dollars. When he heard, even Gerrit Cole was like, “Oh hell no!”

Alaska Airlines is offering priority seating to passengers in ugly Christmas sweaters. It’s nice until you’re wearing a REGULAR sweater and the attendant is like, “Oh, YOU can board!”

A man in Idaho just set a Guinness World Record for “Juggling balloons with his head.” The man called it “thrilling,” while the judge holding a timer called it, “The saddest day of my life.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.12.19

This weekend is SantaCon! It’s the annual bar crawl where people put on a red costume and drink all day, or as Times Square Elmo calls that, “Life.”

SantaCon starts in Times Square at 10AM and ends around midnight in tears and handcuffs.

The House Judiciary Committee spent the last two days going over the charges against President Trump and it was being called a “Marathon Two-Day Debate.” It was a tough choice for Americans: watch hearings for 20 hours, or "The Irishman" once.

Mitch McConnell said he may try to “acquit” Trump if he’s impeached, instead of just voting to dismiss the articles. “Acquit” is also what Trump will say if he DOES get impeached. “You can’t impeach me. I...a-quit.”

But it was a busy day for Trump. This is true, he actually tweeted over one hundred times today. And if you assume all of those were from the toilet, that equals about fifteen hundred flushes.

But one of Trump’s tweets actually got a lot of attention. Today, he responded to 16-year-old, Climate Activist Greta Thunberg, being named TIME’s “Person of the Year” by tweeting: “So ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!”

That’s how you know these are strange times. In one room, Trump is going after a 16-year old on Twitter, and in the other room, Melania is talking about the perils of cyber-bullying.

Scientists have discovered that monkeys who have best friends live longer than other monkeys. Though, the study noted it's important that the monkeys be actual friends and not just "frenemonkeys."