Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.6.20

For 2020, a lot of people are making the resolution to drink more water. That’s why for the last six days, college kids have woken up next to a pile of empty Coors Lights.

People are participating in the “2020 tipping challenge,” it’s where you tip waiters 20 dollars and 20 cents in honor of the new year. Waiters heard that and were like, “That’s great, sir, but your bill was 500 dollars.”

The big story is everything going on with Iran. But on the bright side, it’s the first time Trump’s ever said “I” and “ran” in the same sentence.

Before the Iran strike, Trump told some guests at Mar-a-Lago that something huge was coming, but he never told Congress. Which means there’s a really good chance that Sugar

Ray’s Mark McGrath heard about the strike before Nancy Pelosi.

Past presidents including George W. Bush declined taking out Iran’s top commander cuz it could lead to war. You know things are bad when even George W. Bush was like, “This could really mess things up in the Middle East.”

According to a new poll, Republicans top choices for president in 2024 include Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. Meanwhile, Eric just got his tongue unstuck from a pole he licked on Christmas.

Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way tie for first place in New Hampshire. And if one of your New Year’s resolutions was to “eat less” just remember the phrase, “Bernie Sanders is now in a three-way.”

Last night was the Golden Globe Awards, and Russell Crowe won for his role in the miniseries, “The Loudest Voice.” When he heard that, Bernie Sanders was like, “How the hell did I not win that?!”

Tonight was the season premiere of The Bachelor! The new bachelor is Peter, and he’s actually a pilot for Delta. When he’s sitting by the fire on a date, and the girl asks for a blanket, he’ll be like, “That’ll be nine dollars.”

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating after someone intentionally released bed bugs in a Walmart changing room. Luckily, no one was affected – mostly cuz everyone at Walmart just tries on pants right in the aisles.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.7.20

Things are still pretty tense between Trump and Iran. In fact when Trump was asked about Iran possibly attacking us, he said "if it happens it happens." Just like when the Civil War started and Abraham Lincoln declared "Eh it is what it is." "What do ya want from me?"

And this isn’t good. The US military accidentally sent a draft letter ordering U.S. troops to leave Iraq, and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff called it a “kerfuffle.” Then Trump was like, “I believe the word is ‘covfefe.’”

But Trump is busy. Earlier today at the White House, he met with the leader of Greece. And Trump was confused, cuz he thought the leader of Greece was John Travolta.

Earlier tonight on ABC, Jeopardy began their “Greatest of All Time” Tournament, where the three biggest Jeopardy winners of all-time face off against one another. And since it’s ABC primetime they changed the name from “Jeopardy” to “Nerdish.”

ABC really gives you both ends of the spectrum. Tonight, it was the three greatest Jeopardy contestants of all time and last night on The Bachelor it was three single women puking out the sun roof of a limo.

Some business news. I saw that “Pier 1” is close to filing for bankruptcy. This may not mean much to you, but I promise, your aunt is devastated.

I saw that Uber and Hyundai are teaming up to make a flying taxi. It’s perfect if you’ve ever been in the back of an Uber and thought, “I wish this half-asleep driver was a thousand feet off the ground.”

A new study found that running a marathon can help you live longer, unfortunately your nipples suffer an early death.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.8.20
Thankfully everyone is fine, but last night, Iran fired 22 missiles at two American military bases in Iraq. It was pretty scary. One soldier said he hadn’t seen a bomb that big since the movie “Cats.”

Things are so tense right now, President Trump’s skin went from being on orange alert to red alert.

During the attack, the hashtag “IranVSAmerica” was trending on Twitter. It’s good to know that when a war breaks out, we treat it the same way we treat “BB-8 VS. Baby Yoda.”

Today, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced they’ll no longer be “senior members” of the Royal Family and they might move to Canada. I give them a lot of credit. Tons of celebrities always threaten to move to Canada — they're actually doing it.

I heard that a spinoff of “The Masked Singer” is in the works with masked dancers. A show where people dance but you don’t know who they are — it’s called “Dancing with the Stars.”

Starbucks just introduced a new menu item — the Almond Milk Honey Flat White. You don’t even have to order it, you just walk up and say, “I’m that guy.”

A 92-year-old man in the UK just got his experience, a boyhood dream, of going skiing for the first time. Funeral services will be held tomorrow at 1pm, refreshments at the ski lodge.

A woman in Florida gave birth to two sets of twins in one year. When her husband went to give her a hug she said, “you stay away from me.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.9.20

Everyone’s still talking about the situation overseas. Tensions are high. Both sides are upset. No one knows what’s coming. Of course, I’m talking about Harry, Meghan, and the Royal Family.

I wanna say Happy Birthday to Kate Middleton! Of course, Kate goes by “The Duchess of Cambridge” along with her new title from the Queen, “The One Who’s Still In The Will.”

This morning, President Trump got some attention for tweeting... “STOCK MARKET AT ALL-TIME HIGH! HOW ARE YOUR 409K’S DOING?” Yeah, he called it a 409K. He later bragged that the stock market “kills 99.9% of bacteria and viruses.”

Earlier tonight it was Round 3 of Jeopardy’s “Greatest of All Time” tournament. It was a strange night of TV on ABC. It started off with an hour of Jeopardy, followed by a two-hour special on Jeffrey Epstein. The night went from, “Kids, come in and learn something!” to “Kids get out of the room, now!”

I read about a White Claw factory that’s opening in Arizona. Or, as students at Arizona State are calling it: church.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.10.20

The NFL playoffs are in full swing and there are so many big matchups this weekend. You have the Vikings vs. 49ers, Seahawks vs. Packers, and Prince Harry vs. the Royal Family.

The Green Bay Packers are asking for 700 volunteers to come to the stadium and shovel snow. That story again – 700 people who live off brats and cheese are volunteering for a heart attack.

President Trump held another rally in Ohio, and said Nancy Pelosi is “not operating with a full deck.” Then he added, “Unlike me – who’s operating with all 42 cards.” And a draw 4.

Tonight was the debut of a new drama here on NBC called, “Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector.” When people said the name is kinda long, NBC was like, “Oh, our bad -- it’s actually, “Chicago: Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector.”

The “Jeopardy: Tournament of Champions” is still going on, and the contestants are also having a little fun online. After the game yesterday, James Holzhauer tweeted, “My wife is going to make me roleplay as Ken Jennings tonight.” Then Alex Trebek was like, “What is...WAY too much information!”

The world’s first Harry Potter flagship store is coming to New York. Which makes Harry Potter the second Harry to ditch the U.K. for North America.

Last year, Pokémon Go users spent almost 900 million dollars in the app. Either that or...a three year-old got on their parent’s phone for five minutes.

Taco Bell is now offering some of its managers 100,000 – dollar salaries. You can tell they’re making a lot of money, cuz on their lunch break, they go eat Chipotle.